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Stepfamily Stages

Margaret Howden
Trainer
Stepfamily Association of Victoria Inc

You're elated, high, on top of the world. Your heart misses a beat as the carriage edges over the crest before beginning its long descent. As it falls faster and faster fingers of fear grip your insides in anticipation of the unknown. Finally the worst is over. The carriage begins its slow steep grind to the top again. Excitement returns, so too the feelings of apprehension in anticipation of that sickening descent, but both are dulled, for no longer is the journey unknown.

So common is the experience of the highs and lows experienced by stepfamilies that a theory of emotional stages and adjustment has been developed to explain the process (Albert and Einstein). Stepfamily members themselves compare their journey with a roller coaster ride but there the comparison ends. While it is a relief to learn that the journey of adjustment and the concomitant emotional highs and lows are a normal part of stepfamily life, this is a journey different from the thrills experienced at the amusement park. Following periods of calm it is with a sense of fear that stepfamily members anticipate another descent into what can seem like the depths of despair.

The stepfamily passes through five main stages on its journey:

illustration of stepfamily stages

Fantasy or Honeymoon

Ostensibly life is rosy during the early days of stepfamily life. It may have been this honeymoon period that prompted Samuel Johnson to state that "the remarried family is the triumph of hope over experience". Hopes are held for a bigger, better family this time round. Stepfamilies report "we all got on really well together at the beginning." Along with the dream, feelings of sadness and yearning for the biological family, which is now no longer possible, can intrude.

The dream is different for adults and children. Adults are anticipating the future with their new partner while children are wishing for their past family.

While stepfamilies see no need for change at this stage, education to assist them understand stepfamily living can be helpful.

To establish a solid base for the future, decisions need to be made about:

• whether to have an 'ours' baby
• moving to a new home or creating this home to suit everyone
• ascertaining assets and liabilities being brought into this relationship
• deciding on how the finances will be managed – one pot or two

Confusion

The fantasy fades as reality emerges. A family activity can precipitate movement into this phase. Often the stepparent can be excluded in a number of obvious and subtle ways. One stepmother felt excluded at the wedding of her stepson when the parents of the bride plus her husband and his ex-wife lined up for the wedding photo. The stepparent, who can feel a failure because the family is not working out, is usually the first to voice concerns.

Some of the problems at this stage can be a hangover from the past. Family members may still need to work on:

• finalising an emotional divorce
• ensuring appropriate boundaries exist between the ex-spouse and the new stepfamily
• any issues of unresolved grief

Chaos, crazy time

This is a period of crisis when family members feel their stepfamily is disintegrating. Loyalty can be split down biological lines resulting in two warring camps and the need for change is recognised. It can give some stepfamilies hope to learn that this is a normal part of the process and can be a turning point leading to stepfamily viability.

At this stage counselling is often needed to help family members handle conflicts and make changes. The issues to work on at this stage can include:

• making environmental changes to reduce tension, such as time out for a stepparent or stepchild
• recognising which issues are not specifically stepfamily stresses (abuse, alcoholism, adolescence)
• reducing power struggles

Stability

The stepfamily will have successfully negotiated some changes by this stage and family members can appreciate the value of being more flexible. There is also a growing acceptance and tolerance of differences between family members.

Expectations for this family are more realistic. Although there will continue to be challenges appreciation of how much has been achieved is important.

Areas which may still need attention are:

• the roles individuals take, in particular that of the stepparent
• the way discipline is implemented
• stepfamily members expectations of love
• acceptance of emotional distance between stepfamily members
• establishment of new stepfamily traditions
• enrichment of the couple bond

Commitment When the commitment stage is reached there is an acceptance of past histories. There is also an understanding and acceptance of the way the stepfamily functions. On a day to day basis stepfamily issues are no longer viewed as problematic. Family celebrations and rites of passage tend to be the only time members experience feelings of sensitivity and pain resulting from the past.

To help stepfamily members maintain equilibrium it is important to:

• take the initiative with preparations so that stepparents or ex-partners are not left out
• accept that feelings of loss may intrude at times
• if possible maintain a workable relationship with the ex-spouse

For most stepfamilies elements of these phases are woven into various (sometimes repetitive) episodes as the new family and respective family members make the necessary changes and adjustments. Being able to recognise patterns, having an understanding of what is happening and having the relevant navigation skills are crucial. It can take a number of years before this is achieved.

Margaret Howden, Stepfamily Association of Victoria

References

Einstein,E. & Albert, L., 1986 Strengthening Your Stepfamily American Guidance Service Inc., Minnesota

This article may be reprinted for private use, study and shared for non-profit educational purposes, provided acknowledgment of authorship and publication on SAVI's website is retained. For other uses, the express permission of the author, c/- SAVI is required. Email info@stepfamily.org.au.